Successfully Navigating Difficult Conversations: An Evidence-Based Perspective

'Conflict management' is rated as one of the most important areas in need of personal development by leaders in Ottawa-based private and public sector organizations. And the need is significant. Two leading authorities in the area, have found that the vast majority (94%) of people who feel disrespect from someone will 'get even' with the person. Equally as important, it should be noted that 88% also report that they 'get even' with the organization. Fortunately, results of several groundbreaking research projects have unearthed an evidence-based framework that provides several powerful strategies to use.

In this joint article, Craig Dowden (Ph.D.), the Managing Director of André Filion & Associates - Ottawa outlines evidence based strategies employers should use in order to improve the outcome of these difficult conversations. The legal perspective of managing these difficult conversations is added by Kelly Santini LLP employment lawyer Richard Sinclair. Whether in disciplinary meetings, performance reviews or termination meetings, Richard outlines the critical steps employers can take to avoid facing any potential legal action in the future.

Craig Dowden
Managing Director, André Filion & Associates
Ottawa

There is little doubt that one of the most challenging situations encountered at work is navigating difficult conversations. Recent research conducted by André Filion & Associates supports this contention, as 'conflict management' was rated as one of the most important areas in need of personal development by leaders in Ottawa-based private and public sector organizations.

The 'what' and 'why' of difficult conversations

Difficult conversations are quite simply anything you find difficult to talk about¹. These types of conversations arise when there are varied opinions, the stakes are great and emotions are high². Our capacity to effectively deal with these situations is compromised by our evolutionary 'fight or flight' response, which diverts blood to our arms and legs, rather than to our brains. Therefore, "you end up facing challenging conversations with the same equipment available to a rhesus monkey (page 4).³" Given this dynamic, it is little wonder that individuals tend to avoid difficult conversations (flight) or struggle within them (fight). This limits our opportunities to gain experience or skill in this arena.

Why is it important to handle difficult conversations effectively?

In these circumstances, sentiments can get personal and this can undermine the work environment. Christine Porath and Christine Pearson, two leading authorities in the area, have found that the vast majority (94%) of people who feel disrespect from someone 'get even' with the person. Equally as important, it should be noted that 88% also report that they 'get even' with the organization. Clearly, the prevalence of these retaliatory behaviours demonstrates the importance of effectively handling difficult conversations and minimizing disrespectful behaviour that could exacerbate an already challenging situation.

'Success strategies' for dealing with difficult conversations

Our general lack of skill in effectively navigating difficult conversations, combined with the potential costs of mishandling these conversations magnifies the importance of discovering the most effective techniques to use in such situations. Fortunately, results of several groundbreaking research projects have unearthed an evidence-based framework that provides several powerful strategies to use:

1. Be aware of the other person's story – An incredibly challenging characteristic of a difficult conversation is that, despite what we might think, we are unaware of the other person's story. As a result, Harvard University scholars suggest that we should try to change the dynamic from a difficult conversation to a learning one⁴. To accomplish this goal, we need to be curious to learn the details of the other person's story while suspending judgement. This maximizes our chances of finding common ground upon which we can build mutually desirable solutions and helps us move away from a 'winning or losing' mindset.
2. Be aware of your contribution – No conflict situation is ever 100% attributable to one person⁵. There may be 'majority ownership', but both parties play a part. Without this understanding, it is difficult to make the necessary changes to move the conversation forward.
   
   Notarius and Markman, two internationally renowned experts in couples' communication, argue that slight changes in one person's approach can fundamentally redefine the conversation. This point is wonderfully illustrated in a story a coaching colleague shared with me recently. She was working with an executive who was frustrated because he felt that he was not being listened to during the meetings he was attending. He recounted several actions he had taken including signing up for Toastmasters and making sure he made eye contact with everyone in the room while speaking. However, his coach commented that all of his actions were about him improving his speaking rather than improving his listening skills. The executive agreed and noted that he would listen more to his colleagues. Not surprisingly, at their next meeting, the executive expressed that he was floored by the changes in his interactions with his colleagues, as they had become much more engaged in what he had to say. This is a stirring example of the potential that can be realized when we are attentive to our possible contributions to these situations.
3. Be aware of either/or scenarios – In the best-selling book "Crucial Conversations", which is based on applied research conducted over 25 years within hundreds of organizations, the authors argue that it is very important to actively seek to frame an issue using the word "and" rather than the words "either/or⁶," as it allows you to be clear to yourself about what you really want as well what you really don't want. Taking these two extremes and combining them into an "and" question can provide an answer about how best to move forward.
   
   An illustration of this problematic line of thinking is as follows: "I can either talk to my boss about receiving balanced feedback, which will create bad feelings on his part or I can choose to remain silent, which will create bad feelings on my part." This could be successfully changed to the question "How can I have a conversation with my boss about providing more balanced feedback and avoid creating bad feelings?" This type of question forces the person to identify more creative and productive options than withdrawal or acting out aggressively.
4. Be aware of your stories – One of the major barriers to effective communication within difficult conversations is that we often confuse our stories as facts. For example, "John is 25 minutes late for our meeting" is a fact. "John is disrespectful" is a conclusion. It is important to share both facts and conclusions when creating a dialogue for a difficult conversation (e.g., "John, when you show up 25 minutes late to our meeting, I feel you are being disrespectful. Can we talk about this?"). Opening with your story (e.g., "John, I am tired of you being disrespectful") could be seen as confrontational and create an unnecessary conflict⁷.
5. Be aware of your ego – Invariably our egos can enter into difficult conversations, as we may feel a strong competitive urge to 'win' the argument. However, a series of innovative research studies have highlighted the costs of ego, even when someone 'wins.' In one recent example, two groups were given $5 in quarters to gamble on a game of chance. Both groups were given the same instructions, with one exception. One group was also told that if they were the type of person who choked under pressure, they should "play it safe." This slight twist produced dramatic results. Individuals who were 'taunted' lost significantly more money (40%) than those who were not.
   
   The authors summarized their findings as follows: "To win a prize or victory despite financial cost would perhaps have accomplished a successful trade-off, but that was not the outcome participants achieved in these studies. Instead, by persisting in the losing endeavour, they lost both money and whatever self-esteem they may have sought."
   
   This conclusion could apply to conflict situations as well in that individuals who may 'win' the argument may give up too much (e.g., progress, friendship, goodwill, etc.) through the exchange. Thus, they may not feel good about themselves while also 'losing' a quality relationship. Being aware of what is at stake in these situations is very important.
6. Be aware of being negative – Research by Notarius and Markham has shown that one really hurtful comment delivered during conflict negates 20 acts of kindness. Thus, once a conversation turns negative, it can take a long time to turn around. Being aware of what you say and how you say it could have a large impact on the outcome.

Conclusion

Our mindset is crucial in determining how our difficult conversations turn out. If we are not aware of our own biases and tendencies, they may undermine our ability to find a solution. Although it may be unrealistic to believe that these strategies will prevent and/or resolve every difficult conversation, the use of evidence-based strategies, such as those listed above, maximizes our chances for success.

The proper development of these skills is challenging work, as it requires a commitment to honest self-analysis. It would be useful for all of us to spend more time looking in the mirror in terms of how we contribute to the problem, rather than the other way around. This 'small change' may make these conversations less difficult, improve their outcomes, and enhance our personal and professional lives.

The Legal Perspective

Richard Sinclair
Employment Lawyer with Kelly Santini LLP

There are many different kinds of difficult conversations that occur in the workplace, such as disciplinary meetings, performance reviews and termination meetings. And while these conversations may be uncomfortable for everyone involved, they are fraught with legal implications as well for employers. Without a doubt, it is important to consider the strategies set out above when having a difficult conversation with an employee because, should the discussion go "off the rails", it will be that much more difficult to ensure that the outcome of the conversation does not result in some kind of legal recourse. However, there are some other strategies to consider in order to ensure that the business is protected should an employee ever decide to take legal action against the employer. Even where the difficult conversation is not the source of the dispute, it may be used as evidence against the employer at some future legal proceeding.

To avoid potential liability, there are some basic steps that all managers should follow when having difficult conversations with an employee.

1. Difficult conversations should also be private conversations. Conduct termination, performance reviews and disciplinary meetings behind closed doors in an area that will not subject the employee to any embarrassment. This would simply make an uncomfortable situation that much more difficult, and employers can actually be held liable for damages arising from the manner in which an employee is dismissed; unnecessary humiliation can be a factor in such liability. On the same note, never terminate an employee over the phone or with nothing more than a letter – it should always be done in person. It is also best to avoid a situation where the employee is escorted out of the building by security in full view of his or her colleagues.
2. Wherever possible, try to have someone else attend the meeting with you, such as a human resources person or other member of senior management. This person should have some valid reason for attending the meeting, as a person with no involvement, or that has an acrimonious relationship with the employee, would probably serve to make the entire encounter more intimidating. Many legal disputes involve "he said/she said" accounts of meetings, and having a witness attend would help avoid this predicament. That said, avoid tag-teaming the employee during the meeting.
3. Take notes at the meeting or immediately afterwards. This is especially so when difficult conversations don't go as smoothly as planned. As people start to replay the meeting in their heads, their recollections invariably change ever so slightly, leading to the "he said/she said" problem. It is therefore best to write down what was said and by whom right away; don't wait a week to do it or it will ultimately be given much less weight if it is ever looked at by a judge.
4. If some concrete decision was taken, it is a good idea to follow up on the meeting with the employee with an email or note setting out what was discussed because, as stated in point #3, people's recollection or interpretation of what occurred at the meeting can change quickly.
5. If the meeting is disciplinary or performance related, make sure to clearly set out exactly what you think the employee should do better or differently in the future. Make a plan for the employee and set a future meeting date right then and there to discuss the employee's progress.
6. Where an employee is the subject of a complaint such as for harassment or other misconduct, make sure to set out very clearly exactly what the allegations are and all the steps taken by the company to investigate. It is important to be able to demonstrate that the company took allegations against an employee seriously and conducted a fair and unbiased investigation. A company that doesn't conduct a fair and impartial investigation is exposed to liability from both the employee and the complainant. In fact, a mishandled investigation can even expose the employer to liability from others in the workplace if, for example, the employer knows of an abusive or violent employee and takes no serious steps to rectify the situation.

While these tips will help managers avoid exposing the business to liability, they are not hard and fast rules. Often, managers will need to improvise and adapt these points to fit the specific situation. When all is said and done, however, the most important thing to remember is to be honest and accurate with what is being said, and respectful in the manner in which the difficult conversation is had with the employee.

¹ Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most (1999).
Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, & Roger Fisher. Penguin Books.

² Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High (2002).
Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, & Ron McMillan. McGraw-Hill.

³ Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High (2002).
Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, & Ron McMillan. McGraw-Hill.

⁴ Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most (1999).
Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, & Roger Fisher. Penguin Books.

⁵ Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most (1999).
Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, & Roger Fisher. Penguin Books.

⁶ Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High (2002).
Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, & Ron McMillan. McGraw-Hill.

⁷ Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High (2002).
Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, & Ron McMillan. McGraw-Hill.